So I started this blog years ago and named it Mary...finding me. At that time I knew it was really my faith journey I wanted to talk about. I have not been a great blogger as I have not written in years. But I decided to try again. But I am not going to post this on my social media so I am guessing no one may read this but me...but honestly that is OK. I will say if by chance you have come upon this blog it must be by providence.
So anyways I am a Christian. I gave my life to Jesus when I was in college in the fall of 1981. Its a funny sad story because I was a good person. I went to church and my brother was trying to tell me about God. My reaction to him was "Mike I always go to church and you never do, so who are you to tell me about God?" But many months later, maybe even years I was at a bible study in his house and I saw Jesus in him. I didn't know that at the time but I wanted what he had. So I prayed and asked Jesus into my life. The sad part of this is years later my brother lost his faith and no longer believes in God. God used my brother to forever change my life. I pray He will also use me to pay it forward and also back to my brother. Other than praying for him, I don't really have a relationship with my brother but things may change one day.
When I got saved my life changed. I don't want to go through my up and down journey right now, though I am sure parts will come up at some point. Just know I did not change over night. In fact some of my lowest times came in the early years after I was saved. I was going back and forth between two worlds. I wanted to be godly but I did not feel like I deserved the blessing God had for me in the way of forgiveness. I did a lot of things that I am ashamed of , and hurt myself and others in the process. I was a young hurting young girl that was often punishing herself for reasons I am not always clear. Man I wish I could go back to my young self and let her know that nobody really deserves the grace and forgiveness that we get through faith in Jesus, but it is God's good pleasure to give it to us. He loves us unconditionally. Not a word we truly understand because as humans there is very little we do that is fully unconditional. We try but often like it or not we have underlying conditions.
OK so its true confession time. Do you have something about yourself you really don't like? I am guessing most people do. I am not talking about big thighs or frizzy hair I mean YOU, who you are. I have struggled most of my adult life with an ugly mean side of myself. I can have a nasty tone and speak with irritability. I can raise my voice. I do it as a wife, as a mom, as a teacher. I don't like it but no matter how much I try I just can't seem to lose it. I know its an issue of heart which makes it feel worse to me. I remember when God first started dealing with me about this....oh it had to be a long time ago maybe the late 90's...maybe even earlier. I read a verse in my quiet time. Jesus is explaining a parable to his disciples in Matthew 15 verse 17-18 "Don't you see that whatever enters the mouth goes into the stomach and then out of the body? But the things that come out of a person's mouth come from the heard and these defile them." Again in Luke 6:45 "A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of." What?!? That's not true I argued. I'm not an evil person. I'm just tired and it is true when I am very tired my filter is down. But what did I need a filter from? As my mean harsh speech popped up again and again God continued to remind me of that scripture. I still fought it for a while maybe even years. But eventually I saw it. I had an unkind harsh thing in me and those words stemmed from my heart. MY HEART. But I have Jesus in my heart how is there still nastiness there too? But there was, is. It did take me years to accept it but finally I did. You can't get healing for something you cannot admit is wrong. So now I knew this harshness in me stemmed from sin in my heart I can fix it right? Everything in that last sentence is so wrong. See I kept trying to be better and I can be better for a while as long as I eat right and don't get too tired I can be "nice". But the monster in me kept and keeps coming out. See I'm a teacher and I find I myself speaking harshly with students at times. I'm not talking about me calling students names or anything like that, its just an attitude I can have. I would get frustrated with a kid always being off task,or the kid is just downright rude and disruptive and I could not take it anymore. But honestly I can find myself using a frustrated tone even with students that I absolutely love. This happened last week in class when I was detoxing from sugar. I was so irritable I could not stand myself. So in my prayer closet I cried out to God. Its not the first time and it will not be the last. I have been struggling with this for years. Thankfully this cold mean root comes out less and less every year. Maybe it would be gone already if I accepted that my heart did have evil in it back when God first convicted me. But my heavenly Father is so patient with me. He doesn't judge me or get tired with me. He just loves me. And that is what I am asking God to now help me to do to others. As I spend more time with God I find he transforms me little by little. As He loves me unconditionally I am healed inside more and more. Being loved by God ...really loved changes you. So I go to my prayer closet and I ask Him to make me more like him. I lift up the students that trouble me and ask him to help me love them. When I have a bad day I run to my Father and repent. I tell Him how I failed again and ask him to free me from selfish, angry and defensive speech. I daily ask God to set a guard over my lips that I might not sin against Him. I want a gentle spirit. I no longer want to be a "yeller". I no longer want to use any harsh tones because the bible says "a gentle answer turns away wrath but a harsh answer stirs up anger." I don't want to stir up anger I want to turn the wrath away. I am praying this is the year God weeds out that evil that has taken root in my heart and replaces it with a gentle and kind spirit. So I plan to share my journey with you should you choose to come along with me. I want to share the ups and downs of my life of faith. Lets see what God can do with the likes of a sinner like me.
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