Reflections on a year at Work

      So many things have happened this year I am not sure what to write about. My journey has been tough but one that has helped me grow. Last year I experienced one of the worst school years I have ever had. My students overall were good, but there were a few totally abusive parents that made my life miserable, and totally took the joy out of teaching their children. Mostly I think it is sad that too many parents care about the grade and less about the learning. I want my students to be life long learners. I want them to not just regurgitate the information I give them and spit it out, I want them to really understand it and be able to use it in "life" situations. Challenging students is a good thing. I will not apologize for it. But the most abusive parents have only yelled about a grade. My child is an A student they are traumatized by your B. LOL like I just arbitrarily assign grades. How is it my B. C'mon parents lets get real. Children earn their grades. What is really sad...if given the choice of having an A with a teacher that really did not teach much, or getting a B with a teacher that truly challenged your child to think deeper, and learn more, I think most parents would choose the given A. Not that they are mutually exclusive, as many of my students get A's...I just don't give them away, silly me I expect my students to earn them.  I really did not want to teach anymore after last year, I was so beat up. But that got me on a journey for help. And boy did I find help! I found help from the doctor and was diagnosed with ADD. The medicine, though not a miracle worker, has helped me a lot this year. In many ways it has worked in me like an anti-depressant. Which seems weird to me as I have taken anti-depressants before and they didn't work. Seems like I wasn't depressed just had ADD so now that cloudiness I always had in my brain is gone. Praise God. Thank you Pastor Tina for suggesting I talk to my doctor about this. I also found help in the wonderful world of Pinterest.
        On Pinterest a teacher I know pinned some nice foldables, which led me to a blog, which led me to twitter and the math world that I once knew exploded into an amazing universe. I have discovered a world of math teachers out there that want to challenge their students to think deeper, explore math and love learning. I am not even in their league a little bit. But I love learning from them and taking a snippet of what they do into my classroom. Inquiry based learning is truly the way to go, I know it. But I am not sure how to do it with the pacing guide and class minutes that I am allotted.  But I can slip in an activity here an there and hope somewhere I will learn to do more discovery activities with my students. You know instead of telling them the principles letting them discover them. Then after they have discovered them give them the notes with the rules etc... Its amazing what the blogging world includes.  Middle School math teachers across the nation are challenging themselves to improve their teaching and sharing it with the world. I am quite thankful because they are improving my teaching as well. I am trying to be more reflective and learn what I can do better.
Also on Pinterest I have found teachers that create wonderful learning environments for their students and because of them my classroom is a much more beautiful place. Pinterest has sparked my creativity again, which seemed to leave me once I got overwhelmed teaching. But my year of changes does not end there.
     Last year I also became a Pampered Chef consultant. This has been a challenging, fun, hard, disappointing, depressing, enjoyable, struggle. What?!  Yea all of the above. Challenging because I have to ask people to have parties. I am not very outgoing and I really have little real friends so this was really hard for me. I got a few parties to start and was able to build off of them and I was doing really well. Then the end of the school year came and I was beaten and broken and I just took the summer off from life. And... the momentum I had gotten started with stopped! So come August I started up again and had a party with a friend which went fairly well, but I got no bookings. But honestly I was still a little wishy washy on whether I wanted to stick with it. I mean I LOVE the products. I really do. It has been so nice having quality products in my kitchen after being married for 28 years. But when I approach people about hosting parties and they don't want to it is hard for someone that already struggles with connecting with people to get that rejection. There is a Pampered Chef director in the area and I follow her on Facebook. Tiffany  is just so encouraging and she inspired me to stick with it. Now you may say...well she has to be as she benefits from the people under her. But that's just it, I am not on her team, she gets no benefit from encouraging me. I am very thankful for her, as she is the reason I have stuck it out. She may never know how much I have learned from her but I pray God keeps blessing her business as she really deserves it. She has so many great ideas, and has also led me to other Facebook pages for consultants which has given me so many great ideas I just need to book some parties so I can use them.  I love the products, and I love doing the parties. But with the fun comes some disappointments. I finally got a party booked for December my only one. I was so hoping to build off of that, but no one showed up. LOL you gotta laugh ya know? I spent so much time preparing etc... as it had been awhile since I had a real show. But that is part of this. At the same time my daughter Sarah joined Pampered Chef as a consultant and she has been rocking the sales!! Way to go Sarah! Yes I am a proud mama. Sarah is much more outgoing than I am and at the stage of life with little ones, so she has lots of mommy friends from which to build connections. I am very happy this is blessing her, as it is helpful for her and her husband to have the extra income.
         OK back to my party of one:) On the way home from the party I still felt God's peace. I feel God is telling me to stick it out and things will work out. See Don and I really need this extra income. It is not a want. We are not making all ends meet. We desperately need another car but cannot afford a payment nor do we have money that we are saving for it. He works in a ministry, I'm a teacher so neither of us get raises very often...if ever. So I need Pampered Chef to work out. I love the company, they really support their consultants. They have many opportunities to earn free things so we do not have to sink our money back into the business. Something worth having is worth working for.  Calling potential customers is scary to me. I have an awkwardness when I talk with people, I don't always know what to say so its a fight to do it. I think my biggest struggle this year has been through Facebook. I have tried putting the call out forbook some Facebook parties but I get no takers. Crickets!! That has been hard for me. It is really hard sometime to not take it all personally...you know like nobody really likes me. That's how it "feels" some days, but it doesn't. I know people like me. I know colleagues at work like to work with me and respect my teaching. So its weird that I feel accepted and rejected all at the same time. Pampered Chef I guess makes me face that most of my connections are more superficial. I don't have the close lets get together and share our lives friends. Its something I have recognized for years but don't really know how to get past.By nature I am shy and a little awkward socially; I have struggled with this my whole life. Being a Consultant pushes me to meet people. I love to help people and I need to use that to build my clientele.  I want to help people to eat healthier, find quicker ways of making family meals at home, to find the products that fit their needs. I also know when someone hosts a party they can really get so many items free it really is a blessing to them. Especially if they could otherwise not afford to buy them. Knowing this hopefully will help me reach out to others and share about my business.
      So right now I am a  teacher studying other teachers, learning how to improve my lessons, and hopefully inspire a love of learning and math in my students. I am Pampered Chef Consultant pushing myself outside my comfort zone. I love that it challenges me and I think I will be a better person for it.
 Next time: Family reflections.
 

This is my life in 1028 Words

Well it has been a long while since I have written mainly because I forgot my password and I did not want to change it again! Yes it seems I can never remember the password to my google account. Lol. But I bit the bullet and changed it today. I have a lot to share with you about my journey today. Life has its typical ups and downs. So let me share what is going on in my life.
    As you all know I started to take medicine for ADHD. Although part of me is still in denial about the need for it, I cannot discount how it has helped me. I mentioned to my doctor that it almost feels like an anti-depressant when I take it. More like a happy pill :) I also mentioned that in different times of my life I have taken anti-depressants and they did not really do anything for me. Weird huh? She said that the depressive feeling can actually be a symptom of ADHD. Which makes me think if I had known this earlier in many ways my life might have been different. Oh well I can't do anything about it now except enjoy the changes that this makes in me. On the plus side teaching is going very well and a lot of the anxiety I had last year is gone. I guess the medicine is helping all those areas in my life. I had to reduce the dosage as I was not able to sleep and my heart was just beating so fast on it. The only bummer is that on the higher dose I was super organized Mary. Something that anyone that knows me knows I am not. All those papers and items I always leave out when cleaning, I knew immediately where they should go etc... It was amazing. On the lower dosage I am better at lesson planning than I had been but not as great as the "super me" on the higher dose. The price to be paid I guess for the ability to sleep. 
  Moving on to my spiritual life. Well walking with God is always a journey and I know I will never be where I want to be in that journey. But I really need to keep working on this area. I am trying to read my bible before going on Facebook or Twitter. A great idea that I do not always remember to do. But I am working at it. I need to be in the word of God because it is life to me. So I will keep at it until it is a habit again.
   As an update on Hannah she is doing amazingly well on her DTS. She is in the Philippines right now on a medical mission outreach. She is so passionate for God, I  am proud of her. I tried to instill that passion in my children when they were growing up and I love seeing it manifest itself in different ways in both Hannah and Sarah. Someday I know I will see God's passion in Kevin too. Having this time alone has been good for Don and me. But I am ready for my baby to be home. This time next month she will be home sleeping in her bed, recovering from all her traveling.
  My last update is about Pampered Chef. As you know I started in the Spring and got a great start. But in the busyness of SOL testing and having had a very stressful school year I took the summer off. I started again in August. Although it has been a little slow going I love doing it. I think part of my calling in this is to help busy moms find a way to make an easy budget friendly meal. So many people eat out so often today, people can save money, and eat healthier when they cook at home. My biggest struggle is connecting with people to have parties. At the parties I think I do connect with the people although I am obviously new so I can certainly improve. But socially I am a little awkward. See by nature I am much more of an introvert. I was listening to someone on the radio the other day he was explaining how he could be an introvert and a radio personality. He talked about his awkwardness socially, especially in making small talk. I thought, hey that is me! Outgoing people cannot understand the anxiety I feel socially. I have had to teach myself to just say hi to other teachers in the hallway instead of just looking down, or busy. Most people I connect well with are outgoing so they carry a lot of the social aspect. Doing Pampered Chef is pushing me to get out of my comfort zone.  The cool thing is I can do parties in person and also online on things like Facebook. Its funny though, Sarah just signed up and she has gotten a lot of Facebook parties, but I am struggling getting takers even though I do all the work and the Host gets a lot of free products and discounted items. I guess its the age of our friends. The younger generation grew up with Facebook. While many of my friends and family use Facebook a lot I guess online shopping is still not their first choice. Anyway I have to admit I was a little wishy-washy about selling PC initially. But as I look at my budget and see the need for more income is just growing I have really poured myself into the business. I really want to be successful in this. Teaching is what I do during the day, and I love it, but Pampered Chef really meets a need in me to meet more people. I am hoping it will help me connect with more people and make some friends down here. The benefit of it helping us to meet our financial needs is also a great blessing. Anyway that is my life right now. Let me know how things are going with you and thanks for visiting.

Eternity Calls

    Well consistency is certainly not one of my strengths as you can see I have not written in a while.  
    I am still struggling with a consistent devotional time. I guess that is a normal struggle but something I cannot forget about. I could feel my tank being empty this week as it had been a couple weeks since I have read my bible. But on KLOVE the other day they were talking with something that totally convicted me. They were talking on how people were addicted to their phones. They cannot go anywhere without them and are constantly checking them for messages from loved ones, if they forget it at home they will go back for it etc... In the conversation they were saying are we the same way with God's word the bible? If I leave my bible at home will I turn around and go back for it? Do I get in the word at every possible chance to see God's messages to me? Do I take my bible with me everywhere? Is it more important to me than my phone? Honestly I pop on Fb whenever I have a free minute to "see" what others are doing. I was very convicted. So my goal is before I get on facebook or Twitter I need to get on my bible app and get filled with God's words and truth. I need to get addicted to His word again. Get a love and passion for hearing from God. When I fill myself with God the difference in my life is amazing. I am a better wife, mother, friend, teacher. And after all isn't that my goal?  I really want to affect people for Jesus. I want to live in such a way that people cannot help but see Jesus in me. I cannot live as a light if I do not fill myself with the presence of God.
        I want to be used by God in my daily life. I want His joy and love to emanate out of me. As we continue our journey together lets think about this: Is this all there is? I for one know there is more. I know this life is only the beginning. There will come a day when I see God face to face. This life, its burdens and trials are only a "second" compared with eternity with God. I need to stop spending so much time on the things that perish and try to do more for the things that are eternal. It has been a long time since I have shared my testimony with someone. Since I have talked to anyone about Jesus. Often I do not share with people because I think I am not a good example. But I am not what I am sharing about anyway. Its not what Mary can do in you...its what Jesus can do in you. Honestly if you have not asked Jesus to be your Lord and Saviour my question to you is how do you live every day? What is your hope today and tomorrow? What is your life centered on? is it something eternal or something that fades with time? Jesus is real. I went to church all the time as kid. I liked church and I liked God. I used to talk with him at night when I went to bed. I sang in the youth choir. If my parents were away I made sure my siblings took me to church even if they chose not to go. But that was religious. It was not bad, but I was missing a good part of the picture. When I was in college I came to know Jesus in a personal way. My brother and sister-in-law shared with me how God actually wants to be a part of our lives. And I could know Him. Really know him. So I prayed and asked Jesus to come into my life and be my Lord and Saviour. Right away I knew the difference.  God's word came a live to me. God came alive to me. I knew for the first time that he actually heard me when I spoke to Him. And more than that, he spoke to me in different ways. My Life has never been the same. Some years later when my brother lost faith I struggled deeply with that. (I still do at times.) I worried that this could happen to me. I prayed often for him and for me that I would never walk away from God. I can tell you only one truth in my life. I have struggles like all people but I love God to the depths of my being. I want you to know that He loves you beyond anything you can imagine. There is always hope. Do not give up! Don't think hey that is great for you but its not for me. Yes it is. This is for you, and I believe you  know it. Jesus came to save you and its time you accepted Him on His terms not yours. Your way has not worked for you so why not try it God's way. You have nothing to lose and eternity to gain. Don't wait for the tomorrow that never comes. Give yourself to Jesus today and find what you have been searching for your whole life.
Warning: The Love you may experience upon accepting Jesus as Savior will be life changing.

Where am I now?

     I sometime wonder where I am on this journey of "finding Mary". I started this blog hoping I would gain some insight and share my journey with others. In some ways I feel I have awakened a bit. For the first time in years I feel somewhat creative again. I can thank Pinterest and different blogs I have seen to getting me going. My classroom this year is a lot more homey and not just a bunch of posters put up around the room. Not that I have anything against posters, I have enjoyed them in the past but this year I wanted something different. Something a little more personal and a better reflection of who I am.  Whoever that is.
     I now hope that I can be in the classroom the person I am inside. I have discovered some great blogs that have inspired me to be more creative teaching. Hopefully I can take some of the ideas I have seen and implement them in my classroom. I looking forward to teaching this year. I pray that the passion I started with gets reignited this year. One of the best things I need to do for myself and my students is to get my life in order so that I am not at school until 8:00 every night. First I have to figure out a consistent time with God. He is my strength and my all. Without Him I am nothing but with Him there is joy and life and hope. Just getting back to school this pre-service week I have had a tough time getting to fit in time with God. If I want to go down the path God is leading I really need to figure this out. I know it probably means getting up early, which when I go to bed at night does not sound so tough, but my rebellious body gets angry and refuses in the morning. At some point I really need to get my body in check with my spirit, as for me I think the body has ruled me way too long. I think if I could win this battle of the flesh vs the spirit I would be in a much better place. Oh well, I am done for now. But I am going to try to blog again at least once a week as this blog keeps my goals before me. If you are a praying person, pray for strength for me on this journey. I know what I need but knowing and doing is not the same. Here's to you and me on this wonderful journey of life. Hopefully we each draw closer to God and find victory where ever it's needed.
 

All questions, no answers.

    Wow so much to think about. Last time I wrote I said I was trying the ADD medicine. For me the jury is still out but I have a lot to think about. The first week I really had no change, but the doctor said to try a higher dose if nothing happened the first week. So I did and I did have a change. I was able to totally clean my kitchen...I mean it was clutter free and it was amazing. But the medicine made me feel extremely jittery and when it wore off I was was not just tired I was exhausted. But not sleeping well. So I am not sure if the medicine was like giving me energy to get things done...and then I had an afternoon crash. Or was it really helping me to think better and get a lot accomplished. I know you are probably saying that I should just keep it up and see how it does, but the jittery feeling is not pleasant and after a few days of it I needed a break, so I reduced the dose for a few days. All I feel now is super tired. But I know I should suck it up and keep at it.
    It is now August and our church is doing the Daniel Fast for 21 days. It comes at the same time I am going north to visit family and friends so this should be interesting. At least it should be a little easier as my daughter Sarah will be traveling with me, and she is going to do it too. I know it is going to be a struggle but I have so many areas in my life I need a break through in, I think it is time to really fast and seek God in those areas. Speaking of God, and seeking. I have not done that in a while. I don't know why I have shut down spiritually...running more on autopilot than actually spending time with God. August is the time of year that my church sets aside to spend more time in prayer and seeking God for direction. Each year I look so forward to this time but this year I am not all here. Going to CT this late in the season is getting me off kilter too. So really all I have are questions...no answers. Why am I so tired lately?? Just normal reaction to ending stress of school or is it a reaction to the new medicine? Is taking the medicine worth it? Will it increase my quality of life by helping me to function better at home and work? or was the organizing kitchen day just  a fluke? Will I ever work through what is hindering my spiritual life...even if it is just exhaustion can I push past it and fight through? Hopefully time will help me find some answers.

Moving toward a clutter free life....

Well it has been quite a while since I had any energy to write. My journey has been about the same...without energy. I want to live life and not just be a spectator from my couch. But honestly I am tired all the time. I want to go back to the raw diet I was on last fall because I felt sooooo good then, but I just don't have the strength to fight and work on it. But I am attempting to get back on the wagon so to say. I am just doing it without enthusiasm.
OK so what is going on in my life. Right now I am wrapping up teaching summer school. Two more days. Summer school challenges me. I am struggling with getting the students to learn just a few concepts which they should have learned during the school year. The challenge is I want to add some creativity to my teaching....to come up with some fun thing that will turn the light bulb on, but it alludes me. I am taking the opportunity of working this summer to heart and thinking about what I need to do in the fall to be a better teacher. I am starting over (again) in another classroom and on another team. Every fall is a  fresh start anyway but new classroom and new team means getting to know new people ( a plus), but it takes time for four people to get used to each other and learn each others strengths and weaknesses. My classroom did not flow well for me last year so I am looking forward to starting again this year and trying to get it set up in a way that helps me to be better organized. Anyone with suggestions or ideas please let me know...I am open:) The big challenge this fall is that Hannah is not going to be around to help me set up my class.  Hannah is away in New Zealand having the time of her life and hopefully drawing close to God and learning to follow him deeper in her daily walk I am worried that she still has to raise $3000 for the mission outreach. I have to just trust that if God wants her to go, somehow he will provide for her the funds. Honestly I need Him to come through not just for her, but for me. I feel disconnected and dry, and I need to see Him being faithful to the call in Hannah's life. Ultimately that is between Hannah and God. But lets face it I'm a mom so I worry.
Other than school I have been reading excessively. I love my kindle and am constantly getting new free books. I am trying to not read for a few days because I get nothing done except read. One of my goals this summer is to organize my house and get some of the junk out. Always struggling financially, I tend to hold onto everything, Don is the same way. But it is time. I would love for my home to be clutter free. Personally I doubt I will ever have that house (clutter free), but hopefully I can get the house so that everything has a place. I am going to get rid of items that I have not used for years. Plus I am am trying to clean out the cabinets. The real miracle will come if I get my office area cleaned and organized. My family will attest that it is an impossible task. But the word of God says that all things are possible with God.(Matthew 19:26, Philippians 4:13)  So maybe that will be my way of seeing God move in my life...getting an organized house. I know some of you may be thinking I am one brick short of a load...but you are probably one of those people with no clutter on their counters and everything in your house has a place. You can never understand people like me whose brains just can't seem to organize anything larger than a closet. There are days that I actually cry because I don't get why I can't get my house clean and clutter free. Same with my classroom. Thankfully Sarah is nothing like me in that way. She definitely has the Olsen organization clean gene. Hannah on the other hand is me squared.  Her room is way worse than my room was (and mine was bad at her age). I want to be different. So much so that I actually went to the doctor because it was suggested to me by one of my pastors that I could have ADD.  I am not really sold on the idea, but I have nothing to lose by trying the medicine. Honestly I don't have trouble paying attention and focusing, but I decided to trust the wisdom of my pastor and the doctor. Did I mention I really don't have anything to lose but a lot to gain if it helps? I have been praying for years that God would help me in my struggles getting my house neat, and in my lesson planning. Anything that really requires organization and does not have a "correct" answer so to say is overwhelming to me. What can I say I hope this is the time I will finally get an answer to this prayer. If I could get rid of the clutter...I just feel it will free me from one more link in that chain that weighs me down.
 

Feeling Defeated :(

You ever think you that the worst parts of you are getting better and then suddenly have something thrown at you saying "Nope you are still the same old same old" ? Well I did today. There are parts of my personality that I don't like at times. My question is: is there ever a time when I will be finally better and this will not be an issue for me any more? I wish I knew.  I think I want a job where I work with all adults. That way when I say something stupid unintentionally they will either call me on it or realize it was not intentional. When I say adults I mean mature adults. Oh well I have so much I wish I could say but I am afraid if I share my heart fully on this subject it would be used against me. I know I do not sound very Christ like today. Hence the title. Well thankfully we don't camp on Good Friday....Easter is around the corner. If you are reading this keep me in prayer that God will help me to be more loving and caring for those around me. And that on those stressful moments, He will give me wisdom and peace to say and do the right thing always.  Tomorrows another day...

Life continues...much the same.

What should I say? Have I gotten more engaged? Not yet.(OK maybe a little)  But I am glad I put down in writing what I was/am feeling so I don't continue to lose my way. This week I have been feeling so stressed out. Yesterday in class I just told my students that crabby Mrs. O was present. It felt like extreme PMS for days. The worst ever. A large part of this is I feel like my body is still detoxing from sugar and more and it has been screaming FEED ME!! Think "Little Shop of Horrors" but substitute sugar for blood.  I needed and wanted a fix badly, but I gave up sugar for Lent. Mainly because I knew I  wouldn't cheat that way.  Anyway I went to bed on the verge of tears the other day wanting to eat "regular" food. I haven't been losing weight, in fact my clothes were tight that day. I just cried out to my Father and told Him how much I needed Him. There are times that I wish God would just come to me in the flesh and hug me and tell me its going to be ok. I needed Him, Its hard sometimes, you know? So I said I was going to open my bible and I needed Him to talk to me. Now I know Russian Roulette (opening up the word to a random page and reading it) with the bible does not always work. But I was desperate. I wanted God to meet me where I was, right then. Poor, angry, desperate, ready to give up. And He did:
 ¹ My son, pay attention to my wisdom,
   turn your ear to my words of insight,
² that you may maintain discretion
   and your lips may preserve knowledge.
³ For the lips of the adulterous woman drip honey,
   and her speech is smoother than oil;
⁴ but in the end she is bitter as gall,
   sharp as a double-edged sword.
⁵ Her feet go down to death;
   her steps lead straight to the grave.
⁶ She gives no thought to the way of life;
   her paths wander aimlessly, but she does not know it. (Proverbs 5)

This word cut through the lies that were rolling in my head. God has called me to a raw diet right now. That is the way he is choosing to heal my body of my weight and other ailments. Food calls me like the "adulterous woman" saying how wonderful it is...how deprived I am. "You're eating right" the voice says. "What is it getting you? Tight jeans...no weight loss. Another failure. This food plan is not working...it was a lie. God doesn't care."  LIES. The truth cut through the lies in my head and gave me peace.

So then I thought to myself...I wonder what my regular reading would have been today? So I went to my bookmark in Romans and I read in Romans 12:
¹ Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. ² Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

So there it is in view of God's mercy. Oh he has been (still is) so merciful to me. I don't deserve it but I am grateful. All He is asking that I sacrifice this food that has been extremely addicting to me. Give up the food that has taken over my life and body. Give up the food that I am missing so much and "jonesing" for it so much I am almost in tears in my bed at night. My heavenly Father is so caring, and gentle. He tells me the truth.  He loves me, and asks me to give Him this addiction because he wants to heal me. (Oh he has asked for it before...but I could not give it to Him) But He stayed with me, loving me, caring for me and gently wooing me. God does not demand my body in sacrifice, no he wants me to give it to Him willingly. Trusting that His promises are true. So for today I remember the truth and follow it. What is your truth? What is God asking you for? Is He asking you to give up an addition? Or is it something even deeper. Is God asking you to give up your unbelief. You think to yourself "I love God" so this can't be me. But do you love Him enough to surrender your heart to Him? To make Him Lord of your life? Asking Jesus to e my Savior was the best day of my life and changed the course of my life. Obviously it did not make me perfect:)  But it did make me His.

Engage!!

My pastor preached and awesome message a few weeks ago about being engaged in life, in our relationship with God. That night I came home so on fire that I wanted to write about it. I feel like a lot of the fire has  already faded from, me but that is the problem to begin with.
I sometimes wonder if my priorities are messed up. I am now selling Pampered Chef, which I love. I am finding it a fun way to make ends meet. But sometimes I think I need to sell everything in my house to pay off my student loans (probably do not have enough to sell...but you get the idea) and live a simple life. Having 2-3 outfits, eating basic simple meals (got that covered). No tv. Limited internet (required for school  work). I have had friends that lived that way and they seemed so at peace. Can I do that? I don't know, but I want to get off the train. So where do I want to go? Well for one I want to find a place that gives me enough time to blog more than once a month. Now to those of you that may be reading me you are probably thinking ohhhh once a month is enough for you. But think about the others out there that have not discovered the joy of reading my work (read with a little sarcasm in your head).
But back to priorities, do I spend enough time at home with my family? I spend so much planning my lessons and grading papers when do I have time to read in the bible? Spend time with God? I thought I was slow with lesson planning, go and find out I am slow on everything. Takes me forever to do small PC tasks too. I think if I had a little more time I could put a little effort into Pampered chef and make more money to help us get the car we need. But where would I find the time?...there is none so I sit back and say enough, be at peace with what you can do.
So where does that leave me ? Busy and distracted. But not engaged:(   I remember when I was going to school, working, and raising the girls I would pray Oh Lord do not let me lose You. If I graduate and get "it all" but do not have you, then I have nothing. I miss God, the close fellowship we had, but I am so overloaded that I am definitely this side of "dead" in my spirit. Definitely not engaged. So how do I take the message and run with it. I want to be engaged with Jesus again. I want to pray, not because I am supposed to but because I look forward to spending time with my friend and Savior. Because I know deep down when I  reconnect with Him I begin to find me. Engage Mary engage!! Its my Saviors call to me.

Happy Valentine's Day

      I just want to take a minute to say to my friends and family that I truly love you all. I am not one to show how I feel except to my mom and dad, Don, and of course my baby girls. But so many people I know have touched my life. My friend Leenie for example. I miss her a lot. She lives in Florida now and I am in Virginia so we don't ever get to meet. Leenie is very outgoing so she has a lot of friends. God has blessed her with such a positive and joyful spirit and an unshakable faith. She has some real stress in her life but her joy is contagious to all who know her. Her children are blessed to have her in her life. (Though I am glad she is not having anymore...man does she cry a lot when she is pregnant:) She will laugh at that, because she knows its so true.
    I have three sisters and a brother. Two of my sisters have passed away. The oldest, Donna and I had a real connection. She was like another mom to me in many ways. But even better. I believe much of my confidence was instilled in me by Donna. No matter what I did, Donna thought it was great. When I made something for her she was always so touched. She made me feel special. There are no words really to explain how she fed love and caring into my spirit. Later in life when someone would treat me poorly, I had the confidence to stand up for myself. I remember cancelling a date with my boyfriend in high school when he came slightly drunk to pick me up. I told him if he had to drink to go out with me then I did not want to go out with him. I may have had no confidence walking down the high school hallway, but it came out when push came to shove. I love and miss Donna every day of my life.
   I have always been close with my mom and dad. Mom and dad have always done the best they could for us kids. They loved me unconditionally. They have always been here for me, no matter what. I think that is the most important part of parenting. Hopefully I have loved my children as well as they love me.
    My sister Judy is the sister I am closest to in age. Growing up I always looked up to her, but honestly we really had nothing much to do with each other. As we grew into adults I always wished we were closer but for most of our lives we have been very different. In the past few years we have gotten much closer. I always admired how easily she makes friends and always has people to go out and do things with. My inherent shyness often keeps me at a distance from people. I am thankful that God gives us second chances with people. Even though we really never "got" each other when we were younger we love and get each other better now. I love my sister and hope that we have so many more years to share our lives together.
     Then there is my husband Don. We have had a tough life together, really. But sticking with a person through thick and thin has its consequences. You get a real unconditional love for each other. You become friends. I can't really imagine life without my husband. My prayer is that now that we have worked out the bumps, that we have many healthy years ahead to enjoy the smoother road we are traveling.
     I don't have words to say about my girls. They know I love them fiercely. I am like the momma bear that just wants to protect them from all of life's ills. But because I can not do that I just have to trust God with them and cover them with prayer. If I go to say more about them this blog will be waaaaay to long. Just suffice it to say that Hannah and Sarah are amazing young women. Each love Jesus as their Lord and Savior. So in that respect I know I taught them something well. Each are in different places in their journey, but to me as long as they are on the journey with Him I know they will be ok.
    Don't think for a minute I forgot about Kevin. I love him and think about him daily. I pray for him all the time. When Don talks with him he tells me all about what Kevin is up to. But for some reason I want to call and see how he doing etc... but I just don't.  Its back to that inner shyness. (Probably why when going to CT I call people at the last minute.) I hope Kevin knows how much I love him. Wish he lived closer, I miss seeing him and just hanging out together as a family.
   I can not mention any more people for fear of leaving someone out. My husbands family has become my own. In many ways I have a closeness with them that I don't have with my extended family. I do think and pray for my aunts and uncles often. I am getting some new friends entering my life in VA that I am thankful for, as well as my CT friends that I miss. I look forward to my summer visits, even if its a short visit because I get to reconnect with my former Northville and Assembly "family".
    So on this Valentine's Day I am thankful for those I love and for those who love me. I am most thankful to my Savior. If I have not said it yet today, I am thankful Lord for the day you saved me. I pray for those reading this, that you will encounter the perfect love that only comes from our Creator.

The journey continues...

        It's been a while since I have had the time to write. I have not been this busy, exhausted and energized in a long time. Busy does not even cut it. Right now I have two students I tutor, and I work study hall most Tuesdays and Thursdays. Now, there is my new job selling Pampered Chef. All this besides my normal full time job of teaching. The tutoring has been helping us because I have been putting it towards food and not having to dip into savings as much. I know in this economy we are not the only ones that are struggling to make ends meet. And honestly, at times I am frustrated that we are not doing better, but overall I feel so blessed in my life I can deal with this little struggle.
     So let me share about the new fun part of my life. Selling PC has turned out pretty well. Right now I am still working parties for friends, but I have a few people that are interested in booking a party. I love how easy it is to do the party. I am still working on my delivery, but so far feedback seems to be good. I just have to remind myself that a large part of this is having fun, enjoying the company. The products really sell themselves. I have been practicing as I drive, talking about the business. When I signed up I honestly did not think I would try to recruit other people to sell PC, but at a training class I realized that there are others out there like me. They may need to hear about this opportunity so I practiced sharing the things I like about PC. Hopefully I can help someone else who may need to make their ends meet too. I know part of my success will be really sharing what PC does for its hosts. Free products are always fun to get. I do not want a party to be cumbersome for a host, I want them to enjoy themselves. If I ever get to where I am a pushy salesperson, and its all only about the money tell me to quit. Its got to be about the people, having fun, and a great product.  Ok I really did not mean this to become a commercial. Sorry. I am just excited. This has pushed me to become more out going and in some ways I feel I am finding a part of me that has been missing for years. Making myself call people and ask them if they would have a party for me has actually been very freeing.
      I wish I could say my raw diet is going well, but its not there. I am guessing you can see that I am very busy, so planning and making things ahead is really hard. I am still loving my daily smoothie. In fact I think they are why I am able to survive all this busyness. They really give me energy and help me feel better. My cholesterol has dropped significantly. When I had a physical last summer my cholesterol was on the high side and they wanted me to go on a low chol. diet and get it checked again. I went in a couple of weeks ago and when the nurse called with the results I commented that I guess my new diet was working. She responded with " you did this with diet?". She thought it was the result of some medicine. So I know I am on the right track. Now its getting the sugar out of my system again. Oh what a tangled web we weave when dessert and sugar we eat. I was really hoping to be down a size in clothes by my 50th. Its not much but for me it would mean I am on my way to a healthier life. That this will be the year I truly succeed. This stupid struggle I dance with every day is ....? I don't even have the right words. I always have faith that in the end I will be successful...but this part of the journey goes to the depths of me. Its a deep hurt and failure in me that sometimes feels beyond me. Sometimes I feel like the fool that sells his soul for a piece of chocolate when his Father has a palace filled with every treasure imaginable. But its a journey. Bumps, bends, potholes. Soon I am due for a coasting down a long gentle sloping hill.
    Thanks for reading and sharing in my life. When I started this blog, I did not know where I would go with it, I still do not know where its going. I just had the urge to write again. Writing has always been a big part of who I am. So I guess its the first step in Finding me....

Looking forward.

There are so many things I think about that I want to blog about as I am driving down the road, and then I finally get a chance to sit down and type, and I am not sure what to say. So much is changing and challenging me. I went to a baby shower today for my friend Kathryn, she is expecting her first. As I approach the bid 5-0 in April do I wish I could go back again to when I was in her shoes? Yes.. and no. Mostly no. I loved raising my children, they are my joy. I would love to cuddle my babies again and view their firsts again. Maybe treasure the things I was too tired to enjoy, but those were tough days with Don and me. Oh how stressful my life was. I also suffered greatly with depression for most of my life. Now that I have been healed I would not choose to live it again.
Getting older has some advantages. There is an inner peace I have that comes from walking with Jesus through all my troubles. I have found God to always be faithful. In fact as I was driving to work yesterday that was the conversation I had with God. I was thanking Him that He has always been faithful. All the times in my life that I felt so alone, and isolated He was always with me.Those nights I cried myself to sleep I could just pour my heart out to Him and He poured His love into me. There is nothing like being loved by God. Or should I say there is nothing like knowing God, because he loves each of us, but without that relationship with Him you don't know His love. Yes there were times that I wished He would manifest Himself in the flesh to me so I could place my head on His shoulder and hear His words to me. But He chose instead to whisper His words into my heart. He gave me strength to go another day and lead me down the road to get to where I am today.  Have I arrived? Not even close. But I do have a deep trust of God that has come only from going through all the trials that I have lived through and seeing him always faithful. To know God's love, is to truly know love.
Sometimes I feel like my life has gotten too busy for me and God. I love teaching, when I connect with my students I feel I have a reason to be there. But overall teaching has taken over my life. I spend so many hours in the process of planning, grading papers, organizing materials that there is little time left fro anything else. I used to be a creative person, I wrote the children's Christmas plays at my church for year. But that was before teaching. Starting with Pampered Chef has breathed new life into me and I am hoping that it will bring back my creativity. My first show tomorrow may not have many people come to it (as of now I only know of one). But I really think this a path God is leading me down, at least I hope so. I have decided I want to do something different with my tithe from this job. I have two missionaries that I am thinking of supporting. In the past I supported Jeremy and Angie Perigo but this year I did not send in my support card. Mainly because the support for them is supposed to be above your tithe and I was not able to do that last year, I made it part of my tithe. The other person is Jon Swenson. I don't know what it is about him but he draws my attention, and I would like to support him too. I think it will be cool to just split this tithe between them, which in a different way is over and above my regular tithe. In a wierd way I think that my new consultant job will give me more time with family and friends in the long run. For this "season" I may be overly busy, but if I do well, I can stop tutoring, and working study hall, and summer school.  Doing that could breathe a little more life back into teaching again too. But calling people and setting up parties, and then doing the parties is going to help me to connect with adults again. Hopefully I will make some friends along the way. As for today, I am choosing to no longer look back with regrets, rather I look forward to the new adventures ahead. I am going to work this job the best I am able and leave the rest in my Savior's hands.

ps: Here is a Youtube video of the one of my favorite worship songs. Hope it touches your heart like it does mine.   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UrZi8hK_XAo

Baby steps.

Well its been a week since I was able to blog and the things that have happened...or not. Lets start with my diet. Did I go raw this past week? Somewhat. Yea I did try to eat raw, but as eating raw takes planning and preparing ahead of time (if you want to eat something other than salad that is) I ended up snacking on some junk like food too. But this week I went to the stores that sell the raw nuts I need and have the organic veggies you can't get every where so I would have the supplies I need. Today I had off from school and the TV has stayed off all day (except when Lorelai watched a Veggie Tales video), so I have been pretty productive. I made a raw Marinara sauce to have with my zucchini this week. I also made a vanilla creme sauce to have on fruit for when I am needing some sweet. I also made a raw ranch recipe that has no dairy to have with cut up veggies or salad. I am soaking my sunflower seeds and almonds so I can make my "not tuna pate" to eat with my salad at lunch. And I made coleslaw yesterday. So I will be eating well the next 5 days. As raw food has no preservatives it only stays for 3 to 5 days. I need to get on a rotation of making meals so that I don't waste food but have a variety too. Now I just have to stick with my commitment to get healthy. I signed up for the Biggest Loser at work, and I know if I stick this out I have the potential to win. (Yea!) But for some reason even though I am very competitive in some things weight loss has too much negative history for me. So no matter what the scale says I am not going to let a good or a bad weigh in pull me down, I am in this for the long haul. I want my 50th year to be the year I got my weight down and got healthy.
   Well I did it. I signed up to sell the kitchen items at home parties. I was so excited, then the next day I just panicked. What if I can't get people to book a party with me. What if I have a party and nobody comes. (yes that has happened to me). Sometimes my inner shyness just comes out, but I am stepping out. I will ask friends, acquaintances, and strangers to have a party for me. I will make it fun so people will want to do it again. I will go to the meetings ( I hate meetings) so I can get excited about the products. I will go all in. Don and I need to be able to save for a car (once we get our ends to meet).
I am looking forward to the parties...its just getting bold enough to ask someone to book the party. That's where I will start. If I was back home in CT this would not be a problem because I have a lot of family and friends there that would be willing to help me out. Here I have friends, but not really. The people I work with I am friendly with so they are friends, but we don't hang together after work so not really. You know what I mean. But one of the reasons I took this job was to get to know people better and make some friends. A good way to start that is to open my house for a party and see who will come. I originally thought I would just have the party at work, but to me I think it would be nicer to have it at home.
I hope that you are challenging yourself to change or improve an area in your life this year too. If you are keep at it. Small and steady can mean success for the long haul. I pray that you will keep on trying, never give up!  Keep  me in prayer as I take this leap of faith and put myself out there:)
P.S. I love to hear from you. Your encouragement really is helping me on this journey. Although  I need to do this on my own, its nice to know I am not alone.

The first steps.

      The first thing I want to say is thanks for the love and support of my family and friends. Writing a blog is a way to help me process this journey and hopefully encourage someone else along the way. Before I decided to blog I really gave it some thought  because for this to work I have to be honest. Honest with myself and with you. But I believe victory comes with transparency so this is the road I am choosing. As I shared this journey is not just about weight loss but it is about finding the me inside that I have lost along the way. I have found myself thinking about people and thinking I should have them over etc... but I just can't do it. Don and I are really a boring couple. Lol. But we are. I know I can make a good meal but after that I feel like there is nothing to offer. I don't want to just sit around and watch tv but that is what we usually do. I have made a break through lately. Our Thursday night Life-group recently had a Christmas party and at the party we played games. It was a lot of fun and Don said he enjoyed himself. So I got Hubby to agree to be willing to play games with the family more often. So on Christmas we got the game Apples to Apples and we played it all day. It was a lot of fun. So its a start.
        Like many people today Don and I are struggling to make ends meet. We have cancelled our home phone. I know for many of you, you think what's the big deal? But I am old school and I like having a home phone. I'm over it so no sympathy needed. We are thinking of getting second jobs. Don may be working at one of those big stores that sell tools and lawnmowers etc...  I am seriously thinking of selling kitchen items, by doing those home parties. (Oh I know without saying the names you probably know what I mean). We are hoping that this way instead of taking money out of savings each month we can finally put some money back in the bank. Don is going to need a car soon and if we don't save for one its not going to happen.
     Now I have been thinking about selling this home stuff for years because I love it!! I do. But teaching so overwhelms my life that I never have any time. So things I think about: Can I really be better with planning etc... to  have the time to do another job? Do I know of anyone that will even host a party for me? Will I be good at it? Yes I love the product, come see my kitchen, its true. I talk with kids all the time but I am a little wigged out about having parties for adults. I know deep down if I can get through the organizational stuff I think I can be good at this, but I am very shy and hate calling people. THAT is something I will have to get over because you have to call up the person having the party and keep the enthusiasm for having the party up..thats so not me. (I could use your help there Leenie...wish you were here). But then I keep saying I want to change. Since moving to Virginia I feel I am almost hermit like.  I know I need to push myself but I don't want to go the wrong direction and fail again. (See the ping-pong game that is going on in my head?) Yea, scary...but I know some of you have it going on too so its ok. Thats why some of you get me. But I digress. Back to the job, I think I am going to step out in faith and try it. I have actually prayed on it (only this morning, but it still counts) but I feel peace. I am sure it will stress me, but anything that makes you grow usually does. I am hoping that it will help with my goal of getting more social and making friends, as well as helping to relieve our finances. I still have to look into the expenses of this, but I asked a friend who used to sell this and she said she made good money with only doing 2-3 parties a month. So I am game.  Feel free to weigh in with your thoughts on this.
   By the way the food was pretty good today. Almost all raw. Had my shake today, salad for lunch with sunflower seeds. I snacked on a little natural peanut butter. Dinner was homemade guacalmole with chips. I usually prefer skipping the chips and having my guac. on lettuce (yum). But lately lettuce has been very bitter tasting all by itself. I wonder if its the season...not sure, so I went with the chips. I did cheat and have a small bag of potato chips on the way home from the store. I am starting with Biggest Loser at work on Wednesday, and I am still getting (white)sugar out of my system so I let myself have them. Well thats me....at least for today. Hope you have Jesus in your journey he makes the trip worthwhile.

First day of the rest of....

This is me. I am an almost 50 year old woman who weighs over 300 lbs. I am a born again believer in Jesus Christ.
I was going to make this blog about my weightloss journey, but it is really about so much more. How did I get to where I am today? I am a wife, a mother of two girls and a step-mom to one son. I have two granddaughters. I am a late in life teacher. But somewhere along the way I have gotten lost. I am lost in the business of life, but I really don't live. I don't experience. I think back to my highschool days and afterwards, I always had friends to hang with people to talk with but as the years progress got more and more isolated. Yes there are a lot of things that have broken me down over the years, but this blog is not about that, this blog is about changing the things in my life I don't like. Learning to change my actions to become the person inside of me I have lost. So how do I do that? I am not quite sure.
The first thing I am tackling is my weight. I do not want to be 50 and over 300 lbs.  I am starting a raw diet. My goal is to eat about 85 to 95 percent raw foods. I had started to do this in the fall and had great success (the first time in years) but I allowed the holidays to get the best of me and I gained most of my weight back. Now if any of you are raw foodist, I am sorry I am not really into the "lifestyle". I want to eat healthy etc... but as money is very tight, I do not have a dehydrator or a juicer. So I can only do so much. One thing I do have a is a good blender. Each day I make a big smoothie that I drink throughout the day. Usually I put in a little OJ, 2-3cups of greens, a frozen banana, a serving of frozen strawberries and 2-3 cups of water.
There is no recipe, you just put things in to taste. Honestly in the beginning I started with a cup of greens and over time I have added more. I tend to like my drink thinner so I keep adding water until I have a consistency I like. But now I am up to 2-3 cups of greens with my fruit. I know it does not sound good, but honestly you mainly taste the fruit. My greens vary but my favorite is kale. My sister says she will never put that ---- in her smoothie, but it is sooo good for you and gives me energy. Other greens I use are collards, dandelions, spring greens. A good book to read about this is Green Smoothie Revolution by Victoria Boutenko.
So I have part of my diet down. The smoothie is my breakfast and afternoon snack. For lunch I usually have a salad. As a teacher I have about 25 minutes for lunch but it usually takes me longer to eat my salad so my 4th bell is used to seeing me eat it in class. No its not that the salad is that big, did I forget to mention I had a lap band a couple years ago? Well I did. So it takes a while to eat and you have to eat slowly if not the food gets stuck, and you will throw it up. So It takes me an hour to eat my small salad. Dinner is where I struggle. I hope to do better planning this week otherwise this will be my downfall. Now as I said I want to go about 85% raw or more so I do allow some cheats. I use bottled dressing, as I have not found any raw recipes that I like yet. I try to do organic dressings but I still like my favorite italian dressing. I am taking the raw a step at a time. You will see I have some "cheats" that real raw foodists would disapprove of, but right now I am trying to get healthy with limited time and funds so I am doing my best. I am not sure that there is anyone out there that will be reading my blog but I feel better just sharing my journey. I am hoping this will make me more accountable so that I will stick with this journey and stop just watching life go by.
Goals for the journey:
1. Lose weight
2. Get active
3. Make friends for me and couple friends for hubby and me.
4. Step outside my comfort zone and try new things.
I think I missed the mark with the above list as I should have started with reading my bible and praying daily. The book of Matthew says "But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you."
I want to put God first in my life and I know that He will help me get the other items on my list. This blog and you are one of the ways he is helping me to change.
Hope you join me on this journey. I can't do it alone.