Life continues...much the same.

What should I say? Have I gotten more engaged? Not yet.(OK maybe a little)  But I am glad I put down in writing what I was/am feeling so I don't continue to lose my way. This week I have been feeling so stressed out. Yesterday in class I just told my students that crabby Mrs. O was present. It felt like extreme PMS for days. The worst ever. A large part of this is I feel like my body is still detoxing from sugar and more and it has been screaming FEED ME!! Think "Little Shop of Horrors" but substitute sugar for blood.  I needed and wanted a fix badly, but I gave up sugar for Lent. Mainly because I knew I  wouldn't cheat that way.  Anyway I went to bed on the verge of tears the other day wanting to eat "regular" food. I haven't been losing weight, in fact my clothes were tight that day. I just cried out to my Father and told Him how much I needed Him. There are times that I wish God would just come to me in the flesh and hug me and tell me its going to be ok. I needed Him, Its hard sometimes, you know? So I said I was going to open my bible and I needed Him to talk to me. Now I know Russian Roulette (opening up the word to a random page and reading it) with the bible does not always work. But I was desperate. I wanted God to meet me where I was, right then. Poor, angry, desperate, ready to give up. And He did:
 ¹ My son, pay attention to my wisdom,
   turn your ear to my words of insight,
² that you may maintain discretion
   and your lips may preserve knowledge.
³ For the lips of the adulterous woman drip honey,
   and her speech is smoother than oil;
⁴ but in the end she is bitter as gall,
   sharp as a double-edged sword.
⁵ Her feet go down to death;
   her steps lead straight to the grave.
⁶ She gives no thought to the way of life;
   her paths wander aimlessly, but she does not know it. (Proverbs 5)

This word cut through the lies that were rolling in my head. God has called me to a raw diet right now. That is the way he is choosing to heal my body of my weight and other ailments. Food calls me like the "adulterous woman" saying how wonderful it is...how deprived I am. "You're eating right" the voice says. "What is it getting you? Tight jeans...no weight loss. Another failure. This food plan is not working...it was a lie. God doesn't care."  LIES. The truth cut through the lies in my head and gave me peace.

So then I thought to myself...I wonder what my regular reading would have been today? So I went to my bookmark in Romans and I read in Romans 12:
¹ Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. ² Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

So there it is in view of God's mercy. Oh he has been (still is) so merciful to me. I don't deserve it but I am grateful. All He is asking that I sacrifice this food that has been extremely addicting to me. Give up the food that has taken over my life and body. Give up the food that I am missing so much and "jonesing" for it so much I am almost in tears in my bed at night. My heavenly Father is so caring, and gentle. He tells me the truth.  He loves me, and asks me to give Him this addiction because he wants to heal me. (Oh he has asked for it before...but I could not give it to Him) But He stayed with me, loving me, caring for me and gently wooing me. God does not demand my body in sacrifice, no he wants me to give it to Him willingly. Trusting that His promises are true. So for today I remember the truth and follow it. What is your truth? What is God asking you for? Is He asking you to give up an addition? Or is it something even deeper. Is God asking you to give up your unbelief. You think to yourself "I love God" so this can't be me. But do you love Him enough to surrender your heart to Him? To make Him Lord of your life? Asking Jesus to e my Savior was the best day of my life and changed the course of my life. Obviously it did not make me perfect:)  But it did make me His.