Feeling Defeated :(

You ever think you that the worst parts of you are getting better and then suddenly have something thrown at you saying "Nope you are still the same old same old" ? Well I did today. There are parts of my personality that I don't like at times. My question is: is there ever a time when I will be finally better and this will not be an issue for me any more? I wish I knew.  I think I want a job where I work with all adults. That way when I say something stupid unintentionally they will either call me on it or realize it was not intentional. When I say adults I mean mature adults. Oh well I have so much I wish I could say but I am afraid if I share my heart fully on this subject it would be used against me. I know I do not sound very Christ like today. Hence the title. Well thankfully we don't camp on Good Friday....Easter is around the corner. If you are reading this keep me in prayer that God will help me to be more loving and caring for those around me. And that on those stressful moments, He will give me wisdom and peace to say and do the right thing always.  Tomorrows another day...

Life continues...much the same.

What should I say? Have I gotten more engaged? Not yet.(OK maybe a little)  But I am glad I put down in writing what I was/am feeling so I don't continue to lose my way. This week I have been feeling so stressed out. Yesterday in class I just told my students that crabby Mrs. O was present. It felt like extreme PMS for days. The worst ever. A large part of this is I feel like my body is still detoxing from sugar and more and it has been screaming FEED ME!! Think "Little Shop of Horrors" but substitute sugar for blood.  I needed and wanted a fix badly, but I gave up sugar for Lent. Mainly because I knew I  wouldn't cheat that way.  Anyway I went to bed on the verge of tears the other day wanting to eat "regular" food. I haven't been losing weight, in fact my clothes were tight that day. I just cried out to my Father and told Him how much I needed Him. There are times that I wish God would just come to me in the flesh and hug me and tell me its going to be ok. I needed Him, Its hard sometimes, you know? So I said I was going to open my bible and I needed Him to talk to me. Now I know Russian Roulette (opening up the word to a random page and reading it) with the bible does not always work. But I was desperate. I wanted God to meet me where I was, right then. Poor, angry, desperate, ready to give up. And He did:
 ¹ My son, pay attention to my wisdom,
   turn your ear to my words of insight,
² that you may maintain discretion
   and your lips may preserve knowledge.
³ For the lips of the adulterous woman drip honey,
   and her speech is smoother than oil;
⁴ but in the end she is bitter as gall,
   sharp as a double-edged sword.
⁵ Her feet go down to death;
   her steps lead straight to the grave.
⁶ She gives no thought to the way of life;
   her paths wander aimlessly, but she does not know it. (Proverbs 5)

This word cut through the lies that were rolling in my head. God has called me to a raw diet right now. That is the way he is choosing to heal my body of my weight and other ailments. Food calls me like the "adulterous woman" saying how wonderful it is...how deprived I am. "You're eating right" the voice says. "What is it getting you? Tight jeans...no weight loss. Another failure. This food plan is not working...it was a lie. God doesn't care."  LIES. The truth cut through the lies in my head and gave me peace.

So then I thought to myself...I wonder what my regular reading would have been today? So I went to my bookmark in Romans and I read in Romans 12:
¹ Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. ² Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

So there it is in view of God's mercy. Oh he has been (still is) so merciful to me. I don't deserve it but I am grateful. All He is asking that I sacrifice this food that has been extremely addicting to me. Give up the food that has taken over my life and body. Give up the food that I am missing so much and "jonesing" for it so much I am almost in tears in my bed at night. My heavenly Father is so caring, and gentle. He tells me the truth.  He loves me, and asks me to give Him this addiction because he wants to heal me. (Oh he has asked for it before...but I could not give it to Him) But He stayed with me, loving me, caring for me and gently wooing me. God does not demand my body in sacrifice, no he wants me to give it to Him willingly. Trusting that His promises are true. So for today I remember the truth and follow it. What is your truth? What is God asking you for? Is He asking you to give up an addition? Or is it something even deeper. Is God asking you to give up your unbelief. You think to yourself "I love God" so this can't be me. But do you love Him enough to surrender your heart to Him? To make Him Lord of your life? Asking Jesus to e my Savior was the best day of my life and changed the course of my life. Obviously it did not make me perfect:)  But it did make me His.

Engage!!

My pastor preached and awesome message a few weeks ago about being engaged in life, in our relationship with God. That night I came home so on fire that I wanted to write about it. I feel like a lot of the fire has  already faded from, me but that is the problem to begin with.
I sometimes wonder if my priorities are messed up. I am now selling Pampered Chef, which I love. I am finding it a fun way to make ends meet. But sometimes I think I need to sell everything in my house to pay off my student loans (probably do not have enough to sell...but you get the idea) and live a simple life. Having 2-3 outfits, eating basic simple meals (got that covered). No tv. Limited internet (required for school  work). I have had friends that lived that way and they seemed so at peace. Can I do that? I don't know, but I want to get off the train. So where do I want to go? Well for one I want to find a place that gives me enough time to blog more than once a month. Now to those of you that may be reading me you are probably thinking ohhhh once a month is enough for you. But think about the others out there that have not discovered the joy of reading my work (read with a little sarcasm in your head).
But back to priorities, do I spend enough time at home with my family? I spend so much planning my lessons and grading papers when do I have time to read in the bible? Spend time with God? I thought I was slow with lesson planning, go and find out I am slow on everything. Takes me forever to do small PC tasks too. I think if I had a little more time I could put a little effort into Pampered chef and make more money to help us get the car we need. But where would I find the time?...there is none so I sit back and say enough, be at peace with what you can do.
So where does that leave me ? Busy and distracted. But not engaged:(   I remember when I was going to school, working, and raising the girls I would pray Oh Lord do not let me lose You. If I graduate and get "it all" but do not have you, then I have nothing. I miss God, the close fellowship we had, but I am so overloaded that I am definitely this side of "dead" in my spirit. Definitely not engaged. So how do I take the message and run with it. I want to be engaged with Jesus again. I want to pray, not because I am supposed to but because I look forward to spending time with my friend and Savior. Because I know deep down when I  reconnect with Him I begin to find me. Engage Mary engage!! Its my Saviors call to me.