It has been a long time since I have taken the time to post. Although no one may ever read this I still want to take the time to share my journey.
Today I finished reading the bible through its entirety for the first time in my life. Although I have read most of the books before there were some that I had never read. It took me a year and a half to accomplish this. This endeavor has changed me. In the beginning I read sporadically and had to change the settings often in my bible app to catch me up so it would adjust my readings back to where I really was. This went on for quite a while. As an aside I love the bible app on my phone. In some of the more difficult books to read I would have it read to me as I read along, or even as I was putting make-up on in the morning. Hearing all the names I usually skipped over in my reading was meaningful to me. OK, back on track. As I kept trying to read and listen to the bible my very dry spirit began to revive a bit. I noticed I was thinking about what I read or heard that day. The more I started reading the more I wanted to read. Instead of ending my night reading a fiction book, I would end with reading some verses from my bible. (I still read fiction etc... but I would make the last thing I read God's word.) I read and listened to the bible in the morning as I got up and readied myself for the day.Little by little I have seen and felt a transformation over the last year and a half...hmmm maybe its closer to two years...? Anyway I have always known reading the word of God is important. I knew that when I did it I had more joy, was more alive spiritually. But consistency is something that often lacks in my life. I have my up and down walks with God. But I have grown tired of wishing and hoping to be the Christian I want to be "someday". I am over fifty years old and who knows how much time I have left. I don't want to meet my Savior face to face and know I spent more time reading on Facebook than I did in His word. That I spent more time watching TV than I did spending time with Him who loves me more than I can imagine. When people in my life group or church have said they long for the day of Christ's return I did not. I did not want Jesus to come because I knew I had not been living for him as I should. The "should" feeling was not guilt from God it was more a craving from the depths of my being that knew I was created for more than the way I was living. God loves me. He does not say I will love you more if.... No God loves me, period. I wanted more.
I went to a IHOP (International House of Prayer) conference at in August. Saturday afternoon the speaker Wes Martin said something that has really finally transformed my thinking. I am a very self aware person. I can tell you everything I do wrong. I know where I am failing in my walk with God. Years ago I would feel guilt but as I grew spiritually I realized God was not mad at me but rather He was grieved with my sin, wanting more for me than how I was living. So when I failed again, like saying something mean out of anger, I felt shame and knew I had hurt God. I would just have that feeling like failed again...know what I mean? So at the IHOP comference Wes Martin gave me another take on the situation. He reminded me that God knows the beginning from the end. He is not surprised when I sin. He is not up there going, "Oh boy I thought Mary was better than this, but no she failed that test again." I am not shocking God.(All those years of wasted guilt and shame.) Wes said its more like God is on the sidelines rooting for us. He's out there shouting "You can do it Mary, you and can do it. Don't give up, you can do it!!" God knows we will sin and fail. When we do He wants us to go to Him for forgiveness and start again. The quicker we seek Him out the quicker we are back on the right track. Now when I fail (and sometimes before I make the wrong choice) I hear God yelling lovingly, "You can do it Mary, you can do it. I believe in you. I will help you. You will make it through, you can do it." And you know what? I will because He is on my side. He is my strength and my life.
I knew when I started on this blog that I was really seeking to revive the depths of my relationship with Jesus. Jesus has always been everything to me. Always. The difference is now I am starting to actually live that way. I am excited about reading the bible through again. I know it is not going to take me over a year and a half this time. But even if it does, if I lose my focus again. I know God will be calling me with His words of hope and encouragement.
He is calling out to you too. If you feel like you have failed too much, that God could not love or want you well guess what? Your failures do not shock God either. He is not surprised. But he is out there calling your name. He wants to love on you. Will you answer His call?
(** I know God has a word for someone: You are reading this and not sure that this is for you, but you miss God. You know who you are.You want more than what you are experiencing. God is saying that this message is true for you too. Its time to unplug. You have choices to make. Time with Him means less time online. When you unplug from your distractions His voice will increase and you will find what you are seeking.)
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